"Two can play at this game."

Is that what some of you guys actually think to yourselves?

Last night I found myself in a conversation about relationships. With people who have been burned. Burned bad. Or at least they feel like they have. And what happened?

Well after a few minutes of deep remorse, self-pity, and a certain degree of self-loathing, we became awkwardly silent and asked outloud:

"So how do you stop yourself from getting hurt time and time again...?"

One person (though somewhat intoxicated at the time) said: "I think you just need to fuck up. Just fuck it all up and get hurt because that's the only way you'll learn. Friends warn you but you don't listen. But after you get screwed over, you grow a little older, a little wiser." --a little jaded he forgot to mention.

One person (NOT intoxicated at the time) said: "When I see all these people, who have hurt me, do you know what I think to myself? No. It's not hatred, it's not rage, it's not anything. I just think to myself: I want to be on the other side for a change. I want to be the person who hurts rather than the person who gets hurt."

And you know what kiddies? As twisted as that sounds, many of you are guilty of that very act. You want to be in control, you never want to fall again helplessly. So you make everyone who comes into your life play by your rules. Oh no, we're getting too close, response: push that fool away. I feel like that person might not care about me as much anymore, response: drop that person first before that person possibly you drops you first.

It's ironic because this has come up a lot recently with people I've talked to and I admit I'm guilty of this too.

Now listen. Before you get any misconceptions let me set this straight. Just because you always seem to have this impenetrable diesel wall up all the time, and drop people left and right does not mean you're a playa.

Insecure? Yes. Playa? You wish.

You might feel better about yourself because if you follow this idealogy through your walk in life, people are always trying to gain your attention, they want that relationship with you. And you get to sit atop that sublime throne looking down, getting to hand pick who will be worthy. He's not considerate enough. REJECTED. She doesn't call me enough. REJECTED. I don't like his new haircut. REJECTED.

Good job. You reign supreme. Pat yourself on the back. The sad thing is, I don't have anything particulary important to say. I have no pearls of wisdom or fortune cookie one liners that might do the trick. I'm not well versed enough in the bible to pull a line out of the holy scripture to encourage you, though I believe with my whole heart it's in there if you take the time to look.

Nope. I'm gonna just sit back here and chillax. Put on some oh-so-soft slow jams and cry myself to sleep.

Nah.

That doesn't sound like much fun. I think I'll go climb back atop that throne I been sitting on. It's so nice and comfy. It's even curved and shaped accordingly to my body that the groove is barely noticeable--Oh but it's there! and I like it damnit. As long as I don't consciously feel insecure, and others don't know I am insecure, it's alllll gooood rah?

word.

"Say you've seen too many things
That turned out to be too good to be true
Against your better judgement
Opened up your heart
'Til you found the joke was on you
...

Say you'll never fall again
You won't subject yourself to such pain
If you give me half a chance I'll win
I'll never leave you standing out in the rain"

b. mcknight.-- Only One For Me