one more thought.

sometimes i wish i lived a different life and see how it could have been so different. i'm so envious of those people who grew up in christian families and have parents praying for them every single day. god. i know most of you christians out there take that for granted but what about me? some days, you know what? if i'm not in a prayer meeting or small group, or something? i know there is a good chance some where out there NO ONE IS PRAYING FOR ME.

i dunno why. makes me wanna cry sometimes and say it's not fair.

and it's not like i believe prayer will magically make my life better when you look at it from a practical stand point. but i don't like thinking rationally at times like these. i like knowing i have someone who cares out there for me and is willing to pray for me...and i know for sure my parents don't know how to even pray even if they wanted to..

so...randomly, since i think too much? and always seem to take analyzations of situations to another level..i tried analyzing myself and why i feel so lonely sometimes and why i feel like i need someone special in my life.

maybe i subconciously need to know someone else out there cares for me and is praying for me. maybe i need that emotional support. i dunno. this is not something i conciously think about. it just happened to wander into this lil noggin of mine a few days ago but yeah.. that would be sweet...

and it's funny..i was talking to a friend and i was thinking about how the way i see relationships are so different now. before college i think i wouldn't have minded dating a non-christian and it didn't seem like sucha big deal to me if they weren't christian but i realized from the relationships i've had since then...it's become a more sensitive issue. i need someone to talk to about my faith.

yeah...but like i said in HS...sometimes i just think God never intended for me to marry. i'm the kid sittin on the fence of the secular world and the church. and i can't seem to fall one way or the other. too good for the world and too bad for the church i find no safe haven anywhere so i am forced to precariously tightrope that thin fence in hopes of safer ground. nobody wants me until i change and i refuse to change into anyone else than what God had always intended me to be. so if you can't handle who i am or are willing to wait for my magical transformation, just LET IT BURN (usher, yes corny- i like that song). seriously. just let me go and don't look back.

i'll find my way home.