it's been a while since i blogged huh...

so...i went to yoseii tonight..saw a friend get punched in the face, almost got into a fight myself, chilled with some people that i had tension with, argued with bros for over 2 hours and now i'm back home..sitting at my comp..waiting to get up in less than 2 hours to do concessions...

sometimes korean culture really seems ridiculous to me, the whole thing about pride and all that shit. i dunno. as structured as it is, it seems primative to me in a way sense people can't think for themselves and have to act according to the unspoken rule that they have heard all their lives..

nights like these i really wish panda was still around. i realize that me and him might be the two most reasonable people here at NU..ok..at least top 5% of the class of reasonable people. i think this is why our relationship has always been good cause we can talk things out...as stubborn as we are as people, we always see both sides and can accept fault if it comes down to it even if we are stubborn motherfukkaz who hate losing.

i was about to fall asleep but i started thinking again..thinking thoughts i haven't thought about since HS..stuff like..why am i so different...who do i connect with? who am i truly close with...and then feel utterly alone.

it feels weird to wish someone to be around again..when i've only known panda for like..what? since college? a lil before from harvard? i look at all my boys back home..and the girlies..and i think wow, i was so lucky. those people know me for who i am, and they understand me..at least they understand me for the most part. but it's just been too long u know? it feels like disconnection. kinda sad me thinks.

nights like this, i feel so fukkn alone in the midwest. always gotta deal with this bullshit. back home it was simple man, people were cool, u do ur thing, everyone else does theres. its funny how i dread going back to nyc sometimes. i feel like i escaped from the east for a reason...and tho i forget it now, it's like a defense mechanism that kicks it, allowing the dread to creep up...

it's true, the past always seems brighter than the future for some people and that's my life man. the end of the tunnel is behind me, i feel like i'm wandering into the deep tunnel hoping there is some sorta exit on the other side. maybe i'm just dragging my feet through the middle dark area and if i keep chuggin the light will be up ahead. haha, listen to this garbage..i feel like i'm back in HS again, tryin to think deep philosophical thoughts, talking about life and what not..chatting with Aleema, my bad jen--i dropped the A bomb.

i dunno anymore. i feel like i'm messing up big time... times like these i should pray to God. and yet you feel guilty these are the moments you pray hardest to him. and in the past, i think i would feel to guilty to pray but i know my God better now. he wants to chat even if all i'm asking for favors, just because he wants to know what's going on..even if he already knows.

sigh.