brain farts

2009-07-06T18:33:00.003-05:00

PROMO

Today I got confirmation from upper management regarding my promotion. It was a weird feeling awaiting to hear their decision only because I had it my mind that I deserved this promotion and had all these next steps I had mapped out in my head of what I was going to do next. But I had absolutely no clue what would have happened if they denied me this. Maybe I would have flipped out. Maybe I would have been depressed. I have no idea, but I can tell you this---I was plenty happy to hear they gave me the promotion. I started emailing and IMing some friends and even called some people just because I was so happy. It is definitely a sense of validation...but I was also kind of sad. Because I realized the one person I wanted affirmation and validation I can no longer have.

I can't call them. Leave a message for them. Or write them a letter.

No one would care as much. And no one ever will again.

2009-05-27T20:40:00.005-05:00

MANNY VOTED INTO ALL-STAR GAME BY FANS

There has been a lot of talk about Manny possibly getting voted into the All-Star game and I'm leaning towards agreeing with with Mike Greenie on this one. Some die-heard purists would say it would be a travesty for baseball. Others really don't give two shits. I'm sorta on the fence and probably fall on that latter half of the spectrum. One thing I am sure of is that fact that if Manny gets voted in it would completely undermine Major League Baseball and it's entire crusade to clean up the game.

Because the MLB is heading this witch hunt for the fans. The fans have been cheated by these players. These players who have violated the spirit of the game must be punished. The MLB will no longer stand for it, years after the juice juiced up the sport's popularity from the grave.

Yet, ironically, it will be the fans who will vote the latest steroid user [Manny Ramirez] into the All-Star game as a starter. Wait. What?

Exactly. How silly does that sound? That the fans who the MLB are trying to protect, are the same ones essentially giving the big fat thumbs up to latest and greatest roider?

2009-05-22T21:39:00.003-05:00

TRADER EDUCATION

It should never have hit 600 and should have stayed at 500 to 550
max. Truth be knowned it would be at 450. But there is pleanty of
money to buy stocks at the prices At march 6th. So the market will
flote around with traders jumpin in and out. Just the same money
trading back and forth. New money will come in when the economy
actuley runs its self with out bail out money. Projections on econimic
out look is now 3 years out. Seen as how realistate was priced 17
years out before the crunch. It might take more than a few years to
straiten this stuff out.
On May 21, 6:27 am, Martin A ...@gmail.com> wrote:

Above is what I read on a google finance board. Look at the freaking spelling errors. It's ridiculous. I mean, at first you figure some mistakes were by accident but add up each instance...and taken as whole, it sorta paints this odd picture of the type of people out there providing market guidance to the general masses. Don't people realize you lose all credibility when you can't spell.

2009-03-11T20:39:00.004-05:00

MAN VS. FOOD

Am I the only person that wouldn't be surprised if Adam Richman from Man Vs. Food on the Travel channel dies from a heart attack any time soon? The stuff he eats on that show is ridiculous. I'm slightly in awe but also slightly disgusted by it all.

2009-03-07T14:11:00.002-06:00

Thoughts on Darfur

Judges at the International Criminal Court ordered the arrest Wednesday of President Omar Hassan al-Bashir of Sudan for atrocities committed in Darfur according to a recent NY Times article. Reading through this article about the types of genocide-crimes committed makes me really question the state of the world and where we are as a people. I always think about how the world fifty years ago looks so much different than the current one we live in, yet upon closer inspection things haven't changed that much at all.

World War 3 will never happen. And if it does, it'll probably signal doomsday. The reason is because back half a century ago countries still thought it was okay to invade foreign countries and take over territory. It was the last remenants of an era of conquest that will never happen again just because of how small our world has gotten. Russia and Georgia had their little spat but when it was all said and done, both parties returned whatever territory they claimed as military positions during the conflict. Same deal with Israel and Gaza. Allowing countries in this day and age to invade and take over new territory is setting a dangerous precedent for other transgressors. The world just won't stand for it.

But why does the world allow genocide to take place where an entire race and culture is being systematically eliminated through mass murders and mass rape? Also I listened to a speaker last week talk about the sex trade that is still very prevalent in many parts of Asia and parts of Europe. The descriptions of all these horrible situations reminds us that the world is a market economy. Things have no value unless there is a demand for them. And the reason these things are still in existence today is because there are human beings out there, like you and I, who believe and want these things to take place.

2009-03-02T10:00:00.003-06:00

WHISKEYMILITIA.COM

I have RSS feeds setup to a bunch of these limited promotional deals websites. For instance, a website will have limited stock of a particular item and will greatly discount it and only promote that item until it is sold out. Once it is sold out they will then exclusively promote the next item until it is sold out as well. Since these deals are steeply discounted, sometimes you need to be quick to order it once it is available for purchase. The most important thing is to get the right size and color since usually the most popular color and sizes sell out quick.

Well today I was on whiskeymilitia.com and saw these sweet boarding pants. It was like a white pants with cross stitch pattern of black and pink stripes. I immediately look at the price and its been discounted 70% so I immediately try to find the right size and color but I got confused. All it said was 1, 3, 5, 7, etc.. and I'm like, WTF, how come there aren't any S, M, L like usual?

Then I realized these were women sizes.

PWNED.

2009-02-05T07:33:00.005-06:00

First off, I don't even understand why this article is titled "Asian Group Not Mad At One of These People." What Asian group and who aren't they mad at? The entire article suggests there is one particular Asian group (OCA) who is very mad at one individual (Miley Cyrus). And second, what the hell is going on?

If you remember correctly Pau Gasol of the LA Lakers and his buddies in Spain did something similar during the 2008 Summer Olympics. Not only that, this wasn't even the first time Spain was a culprit! Spain's 2008 Federation Tennis Team did the same shit! To echo Hamilton Nolan, "Hey Spain, stop that." You'd figure that situation would have raised some flags for future offenses. But you'd figure wrong.

But what bothers me more is that TMZ had a vote of whether it was "Over the line" or "Who cares" and a shockingly 70% said "Who cares." I mean wow. I also read a bunch of the comments and people said stuff like:

"1. People need to get over themselves SO WHAT !!!!! Get tougher skin !!!!"
7. Oh, WOW! I'm asian & I do that in LOTS of pictures, why doesn't the OCA get offended at me??? Does anyone else smell racism???

10. lighten up people, we all know everyone makes jokes about everyone. seriously this crap is getting ridiculous.. stop taking yourselves so seriously. i can laugh at myself no problem"

That's what bothers me the most. It's the indifference of people toward the feelings of Asians because we do not have the Hollywood-esque glorified story of struggle like African Americans in America. It's because AA community doesn't make enough noise when stuff like this goes down. Michael Phelps smokes a bong, (wow, who hasn't right?) and story breaks over the networks like a wildfire but this one gets swept under the carpet.

But it's all good because we have a black president now. Racism no longer exists.

2009-01-30T18:01:00.011-06:00

POSTAL OFFICE RANT

Let me start this off with a long heavy sigh.

SIGH.

OK. So I ordered these new Burton CO2 Bindings on ebay for my ski trip this weekend. It's Friday, 6:12pm but I am not in possession of any Burton CO2 Bindings. Let me s'plain why...

Postal workers are no joke. They don't take shit from anyone and are cold blooded. Heartless would be a good adjective to describe them. You ever watch Parking Wars where people try to get their cars out of the impound lots but the worker at the window is unfazed, and has the there-is-no-way-in-hell-you-are-getting-your-car look? They are like each others brethren. Brothers-in-arm. One on the Public Government side, and the other on the Private side. Trying to get them to help you outside of protocol is like trying to convince the Cookie monster to lay off the cookies.

And it's not just that they refuse to help but it is the inconsistent nature of postal workers. Last year I had a run-in where I tried picking up a package just using my postal slip. The worker refused because I had an out of state license and wanted a utility bill to confirm my address. I should note the day before I picked up a package with no hassle. I got into a huge argument with the lady at the desk and even called in to the USPS hotline to verify facts.

She was right. I was wrong.

But why did they let me pick up the package the day before?

Today, I come in and the lady says route #10 hasn't come back yet so the package is not here. I ask if I can come back later and she says sure. I come back and a new lady tells me I can't pick up my package today even if the truck came back. I argue with her for a bit but she points out on the ticket where it says it is not available until tomorrow morning. At that point I know the argument is over. They dotted their i's and there t's. I think I'm a decent smooth talker when trying to talk my way out of things but I didn't even try.

Inconsistency.

I wasted two hours at Jewel and Target impulse buying, totaling around a bill. 100 dollars of impulse buying because the lady at the post office told me I could check back later. Anyone need a roasting pan, cupboard lining, ironing board, wine, Apples-to-Apples party edition, or a pack of Orbitz gum?

Mother.

2009-01-27T23:02:00.003-06:00

MOMENTS IN TIME

You ever watch Voltron when you were a little kid. Damn, I remember that show made or broke my freaking day, everday. I had such great memories of that show. And of course being nostalgic I found some old episodes online and watched it to relive the glory days of being a rugrat. Guess what?

It totally didn't do it for me.

It was corny, had cheezy dialogue, and to be practically honest ---it was kinda painful to watch. I was confused. What the hell was I thinking? There were other moments of weaknesses when I felt compelled by nostalgia to watch episodes of Captain N: The Game Master, 21 Jump Street, and most recently, Super Book.

All these things from my past I had such fond memories of had no room in my future. The more I tried to bring them back, the more these idealistic bubbles I placed on these memories kept popping. And it sucks.

Some things are meant to stay as they are, and it's not a bad thing. It's just interesting that somethings we remember seemed a just a little funnier, tasted a little sweeter, or looked a little prettier than they actually were...and vice-versa. Maybe it's an age thing, an emotional state thing, or a maturity thing, but in the end it's about the different combinations of all those variables equalling a very unique and special moment. Let's not rehash. Let's move forward.

2009-01-26T23:16:00.008-06:00

This movie was a treat for me because it was surprisingly good. It's like when you buy a six piece nugget meal and you end up with a seventh. Or when the sixth nugget is one of those Siamese nuggets for double the meat. I had this movie on my computer for a couple of months now but had no inclination to watch it until a friend told me how good it was. But this friend of mine is a girl and I don't trust her tastes because simply I don't know what her tastes are. And also because she's a girl.

I finally decided to play it and immediately remember seeing the commercials for this movie---and I remember thinking to myself, Liam Neeson? Hardcore bad ass extraordinaire? No way, lame-o!

How wrong I was. This movie had the perfect pace and had a Bourne Identity feel to it without having crazy camera shakes so that you have no idea what's happening in the action sequences. I'm telling you, Liam Neeson was one bad mother in this movie. He was what Jack Bauer should have been in seasons 4, 5, and 6 but wasn't. I'm gonna take it a step further and--- I can't believe I'm saying this --- possibly more gangster than Jack Bauer was in seasons 1, 2 and 3.

Even though this was a super actiony movie, I actually got real emo near the end of the movie. They could have probably ended it at that last boat scene and it would have still been a great ending.

She says "You came for me." With tears in her eyes, she repeats "You came for me" but more as a question than a statement. She didn't understand his love for her until that moment. But for him it was simple. Which is why all he could say in response to her was "I said I would."

2009-01-26T21:26:00.002-06:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I know this is lame but I just realized I inadvertently celebrated New Years. I made Ox tail soup. I know, I know...corny as hell.

2009-01-20T07:04:00.004-06:00

WHEN DOES IT BECOME RACIST?

Apparently Danilo Gallinari doesn't like the music selection and the way his name is pronounced after he scores a basket.

After each of his four baskets, the Knicks' long-time public address announcer Mike Walczewski, using a thick Italian accent, said "Daneeelo Gal-lin-ar-ay" and then the Italian songs "Volare" or "That's Amore" were played.

I think I can understand his frustration. I mean, if I was playing for Knicks and every time I scored they said Daaaaaaavid Chaaaaaan in a fobby Chinese accent and then the Asian Riff aka Chinese Melody aka The Stereotypical Oriental Tune were played, I'd be beefing too. Seriously, that's pretty whack.

I watched Gran Torino last week and so of course race has been on my mind. Then I watched Ping Pong Playa, which I thought was a really good step in the right direction for Asian American films but I was amazed by the negativity it received. I'm a pretty big forum geek and love reading user comments as much as the actual article itself and the message boards on IMDB.com was not showing love for Ping Pong Playa. At. All. If anything, they were calling it out for being racist against whites.

...

I know...seriously? Apparently this one dumbass rallied the rest of the board to be offended by the fact in the movie, the Asian guy said "Show that white boy....". He didn't like the fact caucasians were being referred to in this disrespectful manner. I think at some level he has a point, but dood, it's a freakin' comedy and I've seen much worse. Ping Pong Playa is a true school AA representative view I have not seen in movies before. Like my friend said:

GCHAT

Jason: yeah i liked it'

9:42 PM i felt it was very brooklyn chinese

like who we are

Tru dat son.

2009-01-19T21:35:00.002-06:00

KICK'M WHEN THEY'RE LOW

Happy MLK day. While the rest of you lazy bums were taking in your 3 day weekend, I was busy slaving away at my computer doing work since people in Asia and Europe do not celebrate doctor King's bday--- those damn racists. I did however take a 3 hour lunch downtown at Mercat a La Planxa.

Many things surprised me about this place. The set up was pretty nice with an open kitchen. The food was excellent for the price. And they had a combo meal that let you pick one starter, one entree, and a drink for 18 dollars. Now that's a steal given the quality of food. But the most surprising thing was how empty the place was. Granted it was 12:45pm (end of lunch rush) but the place was dead. It made me think about how the restaurant industry must be suffering in this economic climate since everyone is trying to be more frugal with their cash. This is why Friday's and some other restaurants are offering some amazing deals like half off or even free apps. I wonder if there are still enough margins for the restaurants when they give out deals like this or if this is a temporary promotion to weather the storm. Lots of places are just trying to keep afloat...2010 can't come soon enough.

2009-01-15T19:16:00.003-06:00

BUSH FAREWELL ADDRESS

As I dipped my spoonful of rice into my Kim Chi Jiggae, checked espn.com, and chatted on gchat, Bush was concluding his farewell address to the nation.

At approximately 7:14PM CST, it was an end to an era that will forever be captured in US History textbook for ages. I can't even imagine what AP History curriculum looks like these days.

Notable quotes that stick out, forgive my paraphrasing:

"We've had our good days, and we've had our tough days..."

"...I'm proudest of this title....being an American citizen"

I mean you gotta give him (or more likely his speech writer) some credit, it was a good ending.

2009-01-13T23:14:00.002-06:00

CC SABATHIA GOES PSYCHO

Daily News reports three people are stabbed, a woman is clinging to life, after 300-lb. madman goes on bloody rampage in Queens.

They ran out of chicken at KFC.

2009-01-12T14:37:00.003-06:00

DOMINOS'S BEATS SUBWAY IN TASTE TEST? WHO CARES?

I don't get those commercials Domino's is running saying they beat Subway's in a national taste test for their sandwiches. A little kid making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich can probably beat Subway's in a taste test. Nobody eats Subway's because it taste good. People eat Subway's because it's supposed to be healthy. According to The Daily Herald, these Domino's s sandwiches packs some heavy heat: These sandwiches are definitely not for those with a lean look. The Italian has 880 calories and 45 fat grams. The Chicken Bacon Ranch packs 890 calories and 45 fat grams. The Philly Cheese Steak is the skinny model, "only" 690 calories and 27 fatties.

That, my friends, is some serious action right there. If you create a sandwich that packs close to 1000 calories and 50 grams of fat, it better taste better than a veggie sandwich from Subway's or else something is very wrong.

2009-01-10T10:02:00.003-06:00

WHAT IS A HYUNDAI?

I was walking down Erie today trying to catch a cab going south when I see a lady cop ask this guy clearing the snow off his car if he knew what kinda car this was, pointing to a car behind her.

I thought maybe it was some exotic European brand she might be unfamiliar with. To my surprise it was our favorite little slanted H we all love, the Hyundai. OK, I don't really like Hyundais but I bet our Korean friends out there do.

I mean seriously, you are a freaking Chicago police officer and you can't recognize the make and model of a car? Model tougher but make?

Calling all cars, calling all cars, we have a robbery in progress, suspect has sped away in a green car. A green car with 4 black tires. Be advised it has a slanty H with a circle around it. Over.

2009-01-09T21:11:00.002-06:00

PRISON?

Since we're on the topic of prisons, you ever see how jacked some of these guys are? I mean it makes sense...you have absolutely nothing to do for most of the days, and you need to survive being jumped. Working out constantly makes a ton of sense. And the food given you to eat in the mess hall is probably the nastiest tasting food in the world but I bet it's extremely nutritious. Basically, people go to prison, to learn hand to hand combat, lose weight, get jacked, and network with the criminal underworld.

Does anyone see something wrong with this picture?

Shouldn't we be feeding these people potato chips and cheap fast food off of McDonald's value menu? And instead of giving them hard labor or exercise equipment, can't we make them do something that weakens them? Like sewing or forcing them to play video games. I don't want a criminal to go in skinny mcskinny and come out jacked like the Hulk.

seriously.

2009-01-09T19:43:00.002-06:00

FELON

I was watching the movie Felon and just realized how screwed you must be to be an Asian in prison. Maybe Hollywood movies are skewing reality but it really seems like the main crews are Aryan, Blacks, and Hispanics. So...if you are just Asian, is there some Triad crew who is everyone's bitch? What a scary thought. The idea of that is a deterrent enough for me to commit no crimes.

2009-01-06T21:26:00.000-06:00

BURN AFTER READING

I had no idea what this movie was about but just assumed it was a comedy. It turned out to be a dark comedy that is generally hit or miss for me. In this case, it wasn't as black and white as a hit or miss. The movie was actually pretty entertaining for certain stretches. John Malkovich is the man once again and he's just a great actor all around. George Clooney's character was a bit not put together I felt. He started out seeming to be this super spazzy, potentially OCD type character but ended up just being a normal guy who is adulterous. Brad Pitt was pretty funny in his role. The movie was pretty mediocre overall, had its moments, but really shined at the end. The ending made me crack up when the director asks, "Gosh...so what did we learn from all of this?" And the manager replies "I'm not really sure." And then the director goes, "I guess we learned not to ever do it again. Whatever it is we did."

hah!

2008-12-14T10:35:00.004-06:00

So Friday night was a bit ridiculous going to 3 different holiday parties. Lavish food, free booze...definitely recipe for disaster. What started at 7 finally ended with me and Eric playing pool at Lucky Strike, desperately trying to sink the 8 ball despite being inebriated beyond comprehension.

Afterward, I hopped into a cab, drunk dialed/texted some peeps, and got the drunk munchies and dusted off a can of Campbell's steak and potatoes. What a night.

Fellatio moved in on Saturday so it was pretty much me running around like crazy trying to prepare his room. His room definitely looks way nicer than mine because I put in nice drapery, etc... But his room was also the guinea pig room and now after two separate sets of rods, multiple drill holes, I think I'm ready to do my room. Ha!

I seriously need to stop my drunk dials/texting. "This. Is. Dangerous. nah nah nah...."

2008-12-10T00:07:00.004-06:00

X-Files 2: I Want To Believe

This was a pretty terrible movie. I think the fact that it was an X-Files movie and instead you got this boring hush-hush Russian stem cell experiment plot is what really pushed it over the edge from being a mediocre to bad movie to truly a terrible movie. I mean, what the hell, it's the X-Files! Where are the aliens and paranormal activities? The only thing that was slightly paranormal was how much weight Scully lost. Damn! I always said if she just lost some weight... but seriously, the whole movie was just really slow paced and didn't offer any real thrills. So to me it was a wasted 1:45 hrs.

2005-11-20T19:50:00.000-06:00

you know...

it's really annoying when shit like this goes down in a club where almost half the place if filled with your friends. i mean, wtf. how can no one notice punches being thrown?

all i could imagine was what i'd do to the guy if i found him.

i wish i was there.

2005-11-02T18:39:00.000-06:00

This quarter has been going by so quick.
It's so weird...because I'm so unbelieveably ready to get into the real world. I'm so sick of school. Yet at the same time, I don't even understand why I'm trying so hard in my classes. I mean, I NEED these classes to graduate yet at the same time these classes mean nothing in the long run. One quarter of classes will not make or break my GPA so why am I trying so hard? This has got to be one of my best quarters academically, at the same time, it's THE roughest quarter I have ever experienced because I'm also part-timing at PepsiCo 20 hours a week. I mean, what the hell am I thinking? I could just stay under the gun and try to pass with Cs but it's like I'm almost determined to prove to myself and other people I can do it. I think my parents, my sister, and ever my advisor heavily recommended I DON'T part time and take a full course load and do interviews because it would be close to 60-80 hour weeks essentially. I mean, I don't even need to take a full courseload but I want to get my concentration. I really wish I could drop 2 of my classes---well technically I can but I'm actually enjoying all four classes so much I really don't want to. I think I'm very stubborn in that way. I want to prove doubters wrong and so I will WILL myself through any means to succeed.

I don't even have time to write meaningful xanga posts anymore. I mean, it's true, half my posts are pretty bullshit and just for show, full of pictures, crude comments, and nothing of real value except maybe a little entertainment value on the side. But every once in a while I can bust a deep one that I feel has mass appeal.

Nope...my mind is full of school work and real work...every...single...moment.

I think I'll try to xangaR. I'll tell you how I do later.

2005-08-23T22:23:00.000-05:00

you know. i'm torn. i'm not sure what to believe anymore. you know how they say opposites attract? well i think the logic goes something like this: they complete you. they fill in the gaps in which you are lacking. they bring that missing element that throws your world for a spin and you freaking love it. look at eternal sunshine for a spotless mind. ok maybe that was a bad example because opposite attaracted...but didn't...then attracted. too messy to explain. but it's true, imagine dating someone that's just like you. they like the same things, enjoy the same foods, same music, same books....amazing right? perfect. but it's really not. then it just gets boring. nothing is left to the imagination. wonder what they're thinking? why wonder? you're probably thinking the same thing! it's like in seinfield when jerry dated his like female jerry counterpart. it's amazing at first because you guys share so many interests, but those are platonic relationships in the making. not romantic ones. imagine dating yourself. ugh.

i think most people are looking to be challenged by someone even if they fail to admit it. they want the other person to challenge them to be a better person, not the same. they want to learn new things and to share new interests. the theme is "new" and "challenging", not "old" and "comforting".

at the same time there is this idea that the wole jerry maguire line is full of crap. people who need other people to complete them are simply people who aren't ready for a relationship. they depend on each other too much. they are needy. people need to be complete people on their own first. that's the only way to survive a long lasting relationship and to live to tell about it.

too bad i never feel complete, and i don't even know what the opposite of me is.

i shall stay single forever.

2005-06-20T09:16:00.000-05:00

Last wednesday, while i had 30 more minutes of sleep before i had to finally get up to finish packing and get ready for my flight, i felt compelled to wake up.

why.

because i smelled something. i smelled this smell that, like a pavlovian mutt, it immediately brings me back to a far off place as a rush of memories and feelings bum rush me.

i smelled my dad.

it was weird. it was "his" smell. it's like this sweaty smell he has when he just wakes up or after a long day at work. i hated this smell because it was my dad's smell. it's not a pleasant smell. and on this morning i woke up from peaceful slumberland and i smelled it.

i immediately smelled my sheets. clean. i smelled my shirt. clean. i smelled my blanket. clean. i smelled my own breath doing that cup action technique with both hands. clean. nothing.

i couldn't understand it. so i went back to sleep but yet again, i was awaken by that smell. and i frustrated the heck out of me i couldn't figure out where that smell was coming from.

------------------------------------------------------

my last night in brooklyn and i come home 4am in the morn. my dad is talking to me, trying to tell me all these errands he wants me to run for him and i get kinda annoyed. i just wanna read about how the yanks swept the cubbies, how horry sank the pistons with last second heroics, and anything else i can gather about the yankees on the web.

my dad refused to let me alone and i tried brushing him off and kinda ignored him.

i felt like an ass. father's day just passed too and the day before he spent all this money treating everyone to a bomb dinner.

so after a few minutes, i took the brookstone gigantic calculator (my sister's idea of a gag gift since he needs to do accounting but his eyes are getting worse from age), wrapped it real ghetto style, and gave it to my dad 5 in the morn.

joked around with him for a bit and went to sleep feelin like less of an ass.

i'm so lucky to have two loving parents who care about me so much.

just gotta keep reminding myself it's outta love and nothing else, everytime i get mad/pissed/annoyed/vexed/irritated.

2005-06-03T12:17:00.000-05:00

every day is such a struggle.

2005-05-23T22:53:00.000-05:00

why do i always have to feel so guilty.

i really want the 700m dell inspiron.

there is this 750 dollar coupon that i got off uta and i think it's a bomb deal.

but my sis always makes me realize how spoiled i am.

she's frugal with her money but i'm a spoiled brat. she graduated mit and she got a civic. i became a junior in northwestern and i get a accord.

she searches for really good cheap deals online or uses second hand stuff even though she just graduated med school and will soon be filthy rich.

i continually buy new gadgets and toys with money i did not work for while i don't even have a summer internship down yet.

and i just spent like a G on a springbreak i didn't deserve to go on.

and inspite of all this...i'm prob going to end up getting that laptop...and feeling like shit.

terrific.

2005-05-16T19:35:00.001-05:00

so yeah, i just watched TEAM AMERICA the movie. it was pretty funny. i also bought 20 bucks of sushi and udon noodle soup cause today has been a horrible and emotionally draining day.

i wish it were a really life altering, life defining moment u know? like i WANT it to be but i can't even commit to even that belief of want. it's so frustrating.

kim jong il, facist dictator/tyrant sings a lonely song. how ironic.

i was walkin to tech and i just realized i have no close friends and all my close friends are too far and too out of the loop to even understand what's going on with my life. i really miss my friends from back home. i don't think i ever appreciated certain people before but chewy if u read this, i'm glad we grew up together cuz ur like a brother to me now.

and while everyone is on the eastcoast ima stuck in the midwest. and don't take it personally..those people who i have befriended in the midwest..it's not that you guys haven't been good friends or whatever but it's just simply hard to share my feelings with people.

it's like how during newstudent week/orientation for your respective schools. when you have to meet freshmen to recruit them for your org or rush them for your frat/sorority. it's just so fucking emotionally draining that by your senior year it's almost impossible to be excited about it. it's too hard for me to make friends these days. it's like i made friends already for four years in college and i have barely anything to show for it. (once again, don't take this personally for those who feel like we're close)

my sister always told me how lucky i was to have friends i've known since elementary, JHS, and HS. she thinks i'm so lucky to have a group of friends to come home to.

yet i hardly ever do go home...ironically yea?

this year i've been in my own little bubble. lambdas think i do too much campus/AAIV stuff. AAIV people probably think i party too much from all my pictures on xanga. essentially what that leads me with is two groups of people thinking i'm slighting them, or a better word might be DISSING them---essentially leading me to be aloof and on the sidelines on everything.

which is fine u know. whatever. all these people getting mad at me for this and that..it's so trivial. i'm graduating and to be honest all this stuff should not phase me. it's when i'm in the real world..that's when i'll know who my true friends are.

until that day i bid u adieu.

2005-05-16T11:54:00.000-05:00

fuck man.

i haven't cried in the longest time but..

i'm in like a really spiritually dry place i feel like.

i need some changes.

2005-01-19T06:25:00.000-06:00

can't find "wide wide world" mp3 anywhere..da heck.

2004-12-29T18:10:00.000-06:00

i can't seem to win with my dad. today i was trying to do something nice for my family by cooking kimchi bokumbap for dinner. my aunts are leaving tomorrow and i'm going out the next few days so this was the last night i would be able able to eat with my family.

ofcourse my dad has to be in a bad mood because of one of the tenants and starts rushing me to finish the food. i'm sort of a perfectionist when it comes to cooking and i was tasting it as i was cooking but it wasn't coming out the way i wanted so i was cutting up more kimchi to put in the bokumbap. my mom can't eat too spicy stuff so he kept complaining i was putting in too much but i said it was fine. finally after 10-15 minutes of constant yelling and holding bowls in my face to simply serve it since everyone was waiting for me, i snapped. he yelled at me for putting in even moer kimchi because i'm trying to "kill everyone" in chinese. i know it's just a phrase but i finally reached by breaking point and just walked away and said forget it, i don't want to cook anymore and just went to my room.

i can't believe a night that was suppose to just be me doing something special for my family so that they would appreciate it would turn into a night where i'm supremely pissed off at my dad. i guess i try to rationalize it but thinking maybe he was having a bad day cause i heard him arguing with a tenant on he phone and that he had to rush out soon to go meet them but that still doesn't give him the right to take it out on me.

wtf.

i don't know anymore...

2004-12-04T01:25:00.000-06:00

i'm sick.
and i'm sick of 'it.'

dazed. confused. blue.

all i ever wanted was never meant for me. at that point, what do you do? do what you were destined for or set your own goals and achieve?

i think i lack prayer. i think i'm spiritually dry these days.

i think i'm allowing xxxxx to dictate my actions. i refuse to live out remixes. lisa loeb...werd. that's why i love you baby.

2004-11-29T04:28:00.000-06:00

i feel like an ugly person. not like on superficial terms but deep down...its like all gross and...i think the scientific term for it has got to be 'icky.'

live by faith and not by sight.

2004-10-28T07:51:00.000-05:00

i'm such a brat sometimes...
my mom has been calling me the past couple of days and for whatever reasons whether i was in the middle of something or i was studying, i simply didn't pick up and didn't even call back. i norm don't unless they leave a voice mail.
so then i get an email today from my sis telling me that my grandma passed away on my mom's side. she's been trying to reach me, and that they're planning on leaving for taiwan in a week. god. i'm such a jerk.
i'll always remember how me and my sis hated talking to her on the phone and how my mom literally dropped the reciever into our laps. how she would speak in her thick taiwanese accent and how me and my sister would struggle to comprehend but nod and smile as if she could actually see our faces from over 3000 miles plus a pacific ocean away. she would always tell me the same things: study hard and to make sure to take care of yourself. sound mind sound body!
one of my earliest if not THE earliest memory i ever have is still fresh in my mind for over 22 years. i still have this image of me as a baby, my granda, and we're riding in the cabin of a huge jetliner, that to me reminds of a space ship. my grandma verified this to me and said on that very voyage (she doesn't take the plane very often so she remembers that instance) i had a freaking party in my pants every few mins because i was lactose or something, so i stunk up the cabin good.
i still remember her sitting in our dining room making dumplings, making the leaf wrapped sticky rice (zhong tse? im bad at pingying) she made awesome food. i use to always ask her when she was coming back to america but she told me she was too old to make the trip. i never got a chance to go back to visit her...i feel bad for my mom. blah. bah.

2004-10-14T14:44:00.000-05:00

i had the weeeeeirdest dream.

i dreamt that somehow i died and went to heaven. but you say that people don't mean it literally, they usually mean it figuratively as if something really good happened to them. no, i awoke in a familiar place that was really different. you ever play Zelda on SNES? where there are 3 worlds? like the regular world, the darkness world and the light world? it was almost like another dimension but different.

i ended up in heaven..but it looked like earth.

i walked around places like my old home but people were chilling in all the rooms..in the hall ways...i finally find my mom and dad (even tho they aren't deceased in real life) and they're like, wow, you're here. and when i see them...i immediately know i'm in heaven for some reason (the weirdest part of it all inretrospect). at first i don't believe it..and i try calling my friends, but the numbers don't go thru... i try watching tv but there are limited channels in heaven, and all the channels don't talk about what's happening on earth. i felt so alone in heaven, i really wanted to go back. then i see beavis there for some reason and he's like, yeah i'm here too. and i'm wondering..why da heck are u here..and he said something like, oh..i went to sleep and never woke up. shrug.

so i get this uneasy feeling like..o my god, i have to wait possibly another half century before my friends arrive. and i get really nostalgic and i try to somehow get in touch with all those people from my past, say all those things u want to say to them before you die, except in this case i was already dead.

then somehow i'm in this weird restaurant bar/grill and i see all the bros... and i see all these new bros that i never met before..a lot of time has passed. i see some of the old bros like AI in particular..just sitting with his gf..lifeless at the table...and people can actually see me..but they don't recognize me..and some people can't see me at all... i try talking to a few bros but they don't recognize me at all and briefly walk away. i ask..wtf is this gathering why does it seem like everyone is all lifeless. and mcfly is like..oh..it's inbetween classes break..we use to do it at chili's but now we do it here.

and for some reason that made sense to me.

i walk to another part of the bar and someone notices me. i stare at this old guy and he looks back at me with recognition. i walk toward him and his family and suddenly behind me a guy calls out YO DAVID! so i turn around immediately but it turns out the guy was saying hello to the old man who also happened to be named david apparently. i sat down with his wife and daughter and they all looked at me. i asked them..woah...can you guys see me? and they're like..no....but the old uy goes: but i feeeeel the presence of david chan here.

yeah..i dunno..so i walk thru parts of this new lambda house that looks like in crappy condition..and all the furniture is out on the lawn like they been evicted or they're forced to move. for some reason it made me sad to see the state of the chapter and i really wanted to come back and save it.

then i end up going back to heaven, and apparently i have a group of friends who sneak with me out of heaven occassionally. and i try checking on the web, and making phone calls, but none of that works. and nothing on the web related to the real world. it only had information on heaven stuff.

so at this point i told myself: DOOD. THIS HAS GOT TO BE A DREAM. WAKE UP. AND I WILLED MYSELF TO WAKE UP.

but it didn't work..i think i mighta half woke up in real life but fell back asleep. but this dream was gettin me mad stressed out and anxious and i didn't want it continuing.

i think in the course of the dream i woke up a couple of time in real life on my bed, but i fell back asleep thinking i didn't get myself to really wake up...er...hard to explain.

then for some reason someone mentioned guardian angel.

and for some reason there is this blond girl...and she needs an angel or something..and one of my friends from heaven walks into a room while it's really really bright at the moment she turns around so she's blinded..and he offers her a rose and whispers something to her and walks out the door. the bell boy, or the hotel, or her assistant, closes the window and she walks up to him asking who that was. and the guy replies: you know what, i can't describe it.

and at that point it made me question whether i really was in heaven. i saw some people in this 'world' that didn't deserve to be in heaven. maybe i had to be a guardian angel for someone so i can be an angel that gets its wings so i can goto heaven and everyone else who was okay just chillin around in this alternate world could stay here forever.

WOAH. fini.

i feel like i don't wanna remember this dream anymore. it made me feel reall desparate and made me feel nostalgic like i lost all control..and my life was taken away from me...

2004-10-10T22:18:00.000-05:00

i been feelin kinda down these days. i dunno why.

you know what i was wondering?

guys tend to be mad cautious about girls who tend to..flirt a lot, and tends to hang around a lot of guys. that generally makes guys wonder if she's simply an attention seeker and playa, ready to play the hearts of the guys seeking her affection.

i wonder if it's the same way the other way around with girls. if a guy tends to have a lot of girl friends does that turn girls off? do they think he tries to be a pimp or what?

so...this past weekend was the 4th time in as many weeks where someone has asked me if i was a 3rd year. do i really give off that immature vibe? good lord.

i just realized i still have my earing and i barely even notice it now, it's like just another part of me. i wonder if that makes me look young. it's sad to think that i'll have to take it off one day because i'm gettin oooold.

2004-10-05T04:52:00.000-05:00

you know...i feel like i need to just slow down...everything is just happening around me too fast...
this past weekend was hard.
it was charle's memorial dedication service and to be honest, i was pissed.
when i showed up it was just a small group and his family...and i thought about all these people in AAIV who made such a big deal about his tragic death, how he was "one of us" and how we as a community need to respond..etc etc...
and what happens 2 years later?
exactly. no one even remembered or cared enough to go out to this memorial dedication and to see his parents.
the way i saw it was..charles...i ain't gonna lie, he was an odd ball to me. he was an enigma and i can still remember the times we hung out his freshmen year. always so serious and contemplative over his words. i was by no means one of his closest friends..but i definately cared about him in other ways.
people in AAIV i feel like...felt like they WANTED the guilt. they WANTED to publicly mourn him as a community. as if they wanted to take him as their own tragedy...when..i know this might be wrong in saying this, but they are the ones who failed them. i say that because i remember seeing him and not seeing people talk to him at events. and now when something like this happens, they wanted to cry over the fact he was the brother that they had lost... sorry man...i didn't buy it then.. and now i know i was right 2 years later.
sometimes...God....i really wonder how it would have been like if he became my brother. i feel like..if he had crossed...we could have helped him, i feel like he needed us. i feel like if he had crossed, he would have come to us for all the pent up feelings raging in his mind and he would realize that we would not judge him but accept him for who he was, because as a family, we would have shown him the closest thing to unconditional love he can experience apart from God and his family across the ocean.

i really feel like we could have been the family for him. and that's why i think back and i am sad.

angry at the people who called him friend and told the media the same, and promptly forgot about him.

i don't think i can ever forget you even though i really never knew you.

2004-09-11T21:01:00.000-05:00

so today i slept at 5am in the morning and had to wake up at 7am to work concessions for AAIV. i ended up going late though and showed up at 8. i can't believe i slept through 3 alarms. northwestern lost, so what else is new?

i just had the weirdest moment on the phone with my parents. my mom called me up and woke me from crash out nap after returning from concessions at 5 (close to 9 hr shift!). she started talking to me about my grandmother..her mom..and how she was really sick...and how she'll probably die soon. she kept repeating: that's just the fact of life, you get old and then you die. it bugged me because in the back of my mind i felt like she wanted me to console her since she knows i'm christian, to give her a sense of reassurance that there will be an afterlife or something to look forward to. but i kept silent.

i didn't know what to say!

i don't think my grandma ever believed in jesus...how can i tell my grandma was going to heaven if i really don't know. god, i wish i knew the words in chinese to explain my faith to them better but usually the language barrier leads me to just stay silent in resignation. do u know how horrible that makes me feel?

maybe it was the guilt of having just heard the news and knowing that my mom needed some cheering up-ing, or maybe immature dave has turned over a new leaf, i stayed on the line to listen to her stories about her day and was genuinely interested. in the past i think i was always very business-like with her on the phone. kinda like a phone nazi. if she needed me to sign some forms, or mail something to her...etc that was the only time i wanted her to call, other than that i felt it was pointless talking cause i had 'work' to do. but today, for the life of me i don't know what it was, everything she had to tell me about her job and what happened during her day sounded really interesting. i know she complains to my sister all the time how i'm so unreceptive on the phone and how wonders why i never call just to 'talk.'

at one point i think she got so weirded out she was about to end our conversation because she wanted this pristine moment to last and end it off on a good note before it turned sour but to her surprise---i think, i continued to ask her more questions and we kept talking and she sounded happy on the phone. that's cool i guess, that made it worth it cause i know what she's going through. she really loves my grandma, like a lot a lot a lot a lot. and i mean, ofcourse everyone loves their own mommy but she really LOVES HER. gosh, i dunno how to explain it.

anyway, afterwards i talked to my dad and it was a pretty chill convo. that was surprising as well. i think i take my parents for granted sometimes. i am SUCH A BUM.

2004-09-11T04:51:00.000-05:00

it's been a while since i blogged huh...

so...i went to yoseii tonight..saw a friend get punched in the face, almost got into a fight myself, chilled with some people that i had tension with, argued with bros for over 2 hours and now i'm back home..sitting at my comp..waiting to get up in less than 2 hours to do concessions...

sometimes korean culture really seems ridiculous to me, the whole thing about pride and all that shit. i dunno. as structured as it is, it seems primative to me in a way sense people can't think for themselves and have to act according to the unspoken rule that they have heard all their lives..

nights like these i really wish panda was still around. i realize that me and him might be the two most reasonable people here at NU..ok..at least top 5% of the class of reasonable people. i think this is why our relationship has always been good cause we can talk things out...as stubborn as we are as people, we always see both sides and can accept fault if it comes down to it even if we are stubborn motherfukkaz who hate losing.

i was about to fall asleep but i started thinking again..thinking thoughts i haven't thought about since HS..stuff like..why am i so different...who do i connect with? who am i truly close with...and then feel utterly alone.

it feels weird to wish someone to be around again..when i've only known panda for like..what? since college? a lil before from harvard? i look at all my boys back home..and the girlies..and i think wow, i was so lucky. those people know me for who i am, and they understand me..at least they understand me for the most part. but it's just been too long u know? it feels like disconnection. kinda sad me thinks.

nights like this, i feel so fukkn alone in the midwest. always gotta deal with this bullshit. back home it was simple man, people were cool, u do ur thing, everyone else does theres. its funny how i dread going back to nyc sometimes. i feel like i escaped from the east for a reason...and tho i forget it now, it's like a defense mechanism that kicks it, allowing the dread to creep up...

it's true, the past always seems brighter than the future for some people and that's my life man. the end of the tunnel is behind me, i feel like i'm wandering into the deep tunnel hoping there is some sorta exit on the other side. maybe i'm just dragging my feet through the middle dark area and if i keep chuggin the light will be up ahead. haha, listen to this garbage..i feel like i'm back in HS again, tryin to think deep philosophical thoughts, talking about life and what not..chatting with Aleema, my bad jen--i dropped the A bomb.

i dunno anymore. i feel like i'm messing up big time... times like these i should pray to God. and yet you feel guilty these are the moments you pray hardest to him. and in the past, i think i would feel to guilty to pray but i know my God better now. he wants to chat even if all i'm asking for favors, just because he wants to know what's going on..even if he already knows.

sigh.

2004-08-24T02:34:00.000-05:00

i've been in a weird mood lately. been into listening to really...i dunno alternative rock? wonder what phase that means im in. re-living my teen angst days?

thinking about my collegiate career.

2004-08-11T06:42:00.000-05:00

ok more weird dreams from a few days ago.
i had this clearer in my head a few days ago but now it's kinda hazy.
for some reason bammz and panda were in it and for some reason they were making like banners or designs. and like, apparently bammz was pretty good. like it wasn't creative, but it was a very solid design. safe and efficient for some reason popped into my mind. (as to why i consider myself an authority on art & design is beyond me but that's how it 'felt like' in my dream)

anyhoo. they for some reason kept making these banners/designs and for some reason i would come back ever so often to check up on the new designs they were making.
and maybe this is my subliminal interpretation/ characterization of panda but he made this one design that was such an obvious rip offa what bammz created. i forgot what the banner was for but i remember he had the title GO R A C E R and i remember thinking to myself, boy what da hell does that mean?

then he said to me: "oh, it's like GO...but really like NO-----MAR.....RAAACER...but really like GARCIAPARRA. u know? Nomar Garciaparra?"

and i just remember thinking: u are a fag.

haha. wow. dreams make so much more less sense once u type it out.

2004-08-08T05:35:00.000-05:00

i just finished watching vanilla sky.
it's just given me a weird vibe.
i dunno what's wrong with me but sometime between HS and college i started to get real sappy. like, i remember going into movies and having a perturbed look on my face as i see my mom and sis crying watching something like the joy luck club. now lately, some of these movies make me just wanna ball. lol.
i dunno. movies like my sassy girl and stuff are deadly because i think i'm one of those people who are in love with love. i'm sure u know plenty of people like that. the thing is, i don't think i've been in love with love for a long time now--the whole idea doesn't quite eat away at my soul as it once did in JHS and HS where, ofcourse, EVERY KID is suppose to find true love and live that happy life.
but sappy romantic movies like vanilla sky reminds me of that feeling and it rocks my world upside now. it makes me appreciate true love since i don't think i've ever experienced it but to see it on the big screen of someone else's perfect love lost, it just makes me sad to think something special achieved has just as quickly been lost.
i wonder what tomorrow will bring and what my life will be like in ten years.
as i prepare to graduate i fear the real world and i fear consequences and decisions.

"every minute is another chance to turn it all around."

i don't know what happiness is to me. it changes all the time it seems.

2004-08-03T14:03:00.000-05:00

woah. i just realized i had the whackiest dream.

i had some weird dream where somehow i was given a new car, but it was an Audiovox car. yes, i am aware thats a cell phone brand. and it looked pretty pimp, like a sports car cept i couldnt drive it cuz it was stick. then it started snowing, someone had to pay a parking ticket for me...
er...my mom and dad were living somewhere else... my sister had a computer that looked like mine but smaller but had a clear casing with red lights cept it was white and silver. umm...
i can't remember anymore.

2004-08-01T15:40:00.000-05:00

you know what i realized?
i'm so weird. like...i think i really like hanging out with the wrong types of people. ok fine, maybe wrong is too strong of a word to use. it's more like, i enjoy socializing and partying with girls that i know i would never go out with so sometimes i'm afraid i'll give off the wrong vibe (the i-like-you-vibe). i just love chillin with girls who are fun u know?

last night, i met a bunch of new people. 2 of the girls we drank with were like mad young and totally different from me. i drank with one of them till early in the morning until she ended up making me puke. lol. what the heck right? she was a TINY lil girl too. anyway. not to take anything away from them as people, because they were really chill, and good people u know?

but sometimes i wonder why i enjoy hanging out with them and spend my time hanging out with them when i could never see any future potential in them. maybe i'm just feelin old and everything is getting more serious. but it just seems to me i keep putting myself in situations that doesn't help me move up...progress as a person..

i dunno. my head is spinnin still and i sound like a crackhead. nm.

2004-07-20T04:17:00.000-05:00

i'm sad. i knew this was gonna happen.

2004-07-07T18:30:00.000-05:00

"There's a small place inside us that they can never lock away, and that place is called hope."
--Andy Dufresne

2004-06-25T11:46:00.000-05:00

why do i feel betrayed.

does this make me a bad friend?

according to the paradigm that was presented to us at cedar i am too immature to be your friend so i guess that's that.

peace kiddo.

2004-06-10T07:15:00.000-05:00

you know what? i'm so bad at things like this. f*ck it. i'm done. i quit.

no i'm not referring to school. i can't quit that even if i wanted to. :D

--------------------------------

this entire week has thrown my sleeping schedule into a spin cycle like no other. this can't be good for my body.

wonder what the effects will be once i need to sleep like a regular person again. friday can't come soon enough.

2004-06-08T15:26:00.000-05:00

what was supposed to be a quick bite to eat at taco bell followed by a long needed haircut at haircuttery turned out to be an interesting bump in with jackie downtown.

we grabbed food at einstein's. at first it was pretty good and i realized how interesting it is to talk to her and then we had that awkward pissed off state.

i dunno. mah. if ur reading this, or if you don't, just know you'll always be my home girl. yeah, we get into fights, especially issues that deal more about what is ideal and what type of people God wants us to be and what maybe the world forces us to be. but it's all good. i'm not mad, i was just being defensive.

oh yeah, sorry about making you swear.

hehe.

2004-06-08T08:09:00.000-05:00

i hate crushes.

2004-06-06T08:28:00.000-05:00

it was really hard to study today. the libes is bad...

i went to go BBQ with the bros at south beach for dinner and spent an hour longer than i would have liked trying to finish cooking a piece of chicken. i don't understand: why is it so friggin hard to cook chicken?? it takes FOREEEEEEVER and a day. jeebuz.

so yes. finished off some coronas and went back to core to engage in some really random conversations before realizing core is simply too social after 6 and i can't concentrate.

i ran off to MCC but wasn't able to study much their either after talking with someone at kellog for almost an hr. i fell asleep from like 2-6 on the couch in the MCC lounge.

I SUCK!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ok dave, hardcore time. wake up in 4 hrs and kick it in high gear.

2004-06-05T13:10:00.000-05:00

yo..this always happens to me...

i always start out fast out of the gates and when it seems like i'm doing well in my classes i can't ever finish it off because i get too cocky, comfortable, whatever you want to call it. all i know is i don't like it. i got 4 finals in the next 7 days. each final can be the difference between a A and a C. two of them are worth close to 40%. i'm on the edge and I just need that extra push. no goofin or it's gonna be my ass on the line and regrets that follow me for the rest of the summer.

let's git eet oN.

2004-05-19T03:52:00.000-05:00

so today was the conclusion to a reall rough 2 days of studying late night. i even surprised myself by having the energy to stay up so long without sleep. i think it helps when there are other people there to keep you accountable through the night.

car got towed again. that's like almost 300 in fines not even including the tickets within 2 weeks. i'm such an idiot.

so i'm sitting here, thinking about something, and making myself forget it.

poof. it's gone.

now that that's good and done with, i remember very clearly as i was falling asleep i wanted to remember to write something in this very blogger. i forget now.

i'm about to eat someone's maggiano's deep dish pizza and watch an episode of naruto before i sleep. it's been in the fridge for two days now. i'm doing that person a favor by eating it right? i mean, it's gonna spoil soon. i think we all know what the obvious thing to do now is...

ok. i'm entering a very introspective phase in my life --- again.
haha, for those who know me, this isn't something new. more of a, oh, here we go again!

but yeah, screw you all. as my senior friends leave, i wonder which ones i'll keep in contact with, and which ones will disappear off my radar completely.

isn't it scary you might never see any of them again? i mean, yeah, for some people that's actually a good thing, hah. but for the most part, i'm gonna miss my class.

btw my sister just got engaged. how crazy is that. i'm never gonna get married. i would like to. but doesn't seem like God intends for it to happen. maybe he'll shine a lil grace this way one day.

until that day, i remain faithfully single-ly yours,

david chan.

2004-05-16T04:06:00.000-05:00

there are certain nights.. that lead to certain moments.. when all the doubts you've ever had about the things you do are blown away and you know you are doing good. despite what the world says and when everyone around looks at you in dismay.. you see the good, you feel the good, you know the good. and you are proud.

2004-05-05T03:42:00.000-05:00

jaaaaaa yooooooo.

-----------------------

so the other day i recieved a phone call that basically showed me what an egocentric fool i really am and how i have to ability to hurt people without even intentially doing it. it's like my mere presence.

how depressing is that?

congrats to em on grad school.

jen don't goto iraq. i don't want you dead.

2004-05-03T02:59:00.000-05:00

implicit truth.
ya gotta love it.
no, not the truth part --- that part usually hurts some what.
but ya gotta love the crystal clarity despite the subtleness.

i guess i gotta give it back up to Him again and stop trying to force things that aren't meant to be.

i hate making this such a depressing blog but reality is harsh.
i like using this as my reality check.

2004-04-29T16:06:00.000-05:00

i don't like you and your fakeness. that is the one thing that bugs me the most -- posers. keep talkin it up and i'll keep smilin and nodding to every one of your lame ass comments. god i'm pissed.

maybe that's what i need to work on.

holding grudges will be the end of me.

2004-04-14T10:50:00.000-05:00

this past weekend was intense. i really didn't have that much fun to be honest with you. i think i gained more satisfaction from seein bros enjoy themselves than allowing myself to enjoy myself. but you gotta do what you gotta do. i think i'm like my dad in the way i treat others when i host people. it's all about them and not about you.

2004-03-23T14:13:00.000-06:00

i am not a fucking tool.

2004-03-18T15:26:00.000-06:00

i hate you.

2004-03-13T15:12:00.000-06:00

a few days ago, i was forced to do something for my boss that i felt sorely disrespected for doing. he owns one particular property and was getting health department complaints about flying debris and the trash bin enclosures so me and jeff went to go check it out. after assessing the situation, instead of callin in onyx waste services or some other contractor to take care of it, he asked me and jeff to do it! how could i say no? so we freakin spent the whole day picking up trash from the premises. i was so pissed.

it felt degrading. i couldn't help but think of what other must think of me. they would have never expected me to be a northwestern student. probably some bum who couldn't get a better job. the thoughts were swirling in my head, all these selfish shallow thoughts.

to make the time go by quicker and to think less about the strain it was putting my back and knees the work was doin, i just began to sing out loud all these early 90 oldies that i grew up to.. you know green day, goo goo dolls, oasis, boy 2 men, mariah carey, and some others i forgot.. but boy time picked up so much faster and i felt like i was in my own little world.

as i was finishing up, a teacher by one of the schools walked out toward his car and i adverted my eyes from his gaze.
he said to me: "hey, i just wanted to say thanks a lot for doing this. i know it must not be very glamourous but we really needed it to be done so i thank you so much."

and it really made me feel warm and fuzzy inside to be doin the nitty gritty for our tenants. to make them know we care that their ownership is willing to go to the property themselves and make sure their needs are met. and yeah...that one comment brightened up my day. and it made me realize we need to offer those comments more to the people who do the little odd jobs we take for granted. it probably sucks to do a job day in and day out and almost live an invisible life to the ones you serve. it's nice to get genuine appreciation every now and again

2004-03-10T01:26:00.000-06:00

one more thought.

sometimes i wish i lived a different life and see how it could have been so different. i'm so envious of those people who grew up in christian families and have parents praying for them every single day. god. i know most of you christians out there take that for granted but what about me? some days, you know what? if i'm not in a prayer meeting or small group, or something? i know there is a good chance some where out there NO ONE IS PRAYING FOR ME.

i dunno why. makes me wanna cry sometimes and say it's not fair.

and it's not like i believe prayer will magically make my life better when you look at it from a practical stand point. but i don't like thinking rationally at times like these. i like knowing i have someone who cares out there for me and is willing to pray for me...and i know for sure my parents don't know how to even pray even if they wanted to..

so...randomly, since i think too much? and always seem to take analyzations of situations to another level..i tried analyzing myself and why i feel so lonely sometimes and why i feel like i need someone special in my life.

maybe i subconciously need to know someone else out there cares for me and is praying for me. maybe i need that emotional support. i dunno. this is not something i conciously think about. it just happened to wander into this lil noggin of mine a few days ago but yeah.. that would be sweet...

and it's funny..i was talking to a friend and i was thinking about how the way i see relationships are so different now. before college i think i wouldn't have minded dating a non-christian and it didn't seem like sucha big deal to me if they weren't christian but i realized from the relationships i've had since then...it's become a more sensitive issue. i need someone to talk to about my faith.

yeah...but like i said in HS...sometimes i just think God never intended for me to marry. i'm the kid sittin on the fence of the secular world and the church. and i can't seem to fall one way or the other. too good for the world and too bad for the church i find no safe haven anywhere so i am forced to precariously tightrope that thin fence in hopes of safer ground. nobody wants me until i change and i refuse to change into anyone else than what God had always intended me to be. so if you can't handle who i am or are willing to wait for my magical transformation, just LET IT BURN (usher, yes corny- i like that song). seriously. just let me go and don't look back.

i'll find my way home.

2004-03-10T01:12:00.000-06:00

i hate being a whiner but sometimes i just feel so sad. i'm envious.
this thought occurred while discussing asian american issues: white people never have to deal with racism. now, just sit back and take that in for a moment. can you imagine not having to deal with the bullshit many of us minorities have had to experience growing up? the racial slurs, the genuinely honest mistakes that also happen to be the most ignorant. the latter is the worst. it's like when a little child asks you why you look like a girl, or how come you're so ugly. anyone else, you probably take it in stride but it's the fact you know the little child is not trying to be a smart alec, not trying to be sarcastic. they truly, genuinely ask the question because they don't understand... that what makes their comments and questions all that much worse.

so yeah, can you imagine not having to deal with that?

2004-03-02T18:25:00.000-06:00

i hold grudges.
does that scare you?
well it should.
one day i will own you and urm0mz.
werd.

2004-02-20T01:24:00.000-06:00

i'm sick of what this world demands of you. i can't even begin to write this because i know it'll just be a jumbled mess of uncertain thoughts mis-timed emotions. maybe ur strong. i'm not. when the world whispers this and that? it sounds like a blow horn in my ear. and yes, sometimes it's a sneaky little bastard that repeats itself in a soft caressing seductive voice, seeping into my head as sleep. i surprise myself. and when i rethink, reconfigure, reanalyze, reevaluate i realizE... i knew it all along, i just didn't care enough to THINK, to CONSIDER. why am i slave. why is it that when i recognize the potential for disingenious actions i can't make a choice. i freeze. i...take the easy way out.

even when the easy way out is just as hard as the easy way in.

it's like the guy who has everything and realizes he's still unsatisfied. he sees the world from another perspective. i am not that person. i am the guy who sees everything unfolding before him, and not being able to do a single thing about it.

talk about weakness.

talk about lack of self.

2004-02-12T07:44:00.000-06:00

A NEW MEANING TO EMBARRASSMENT.

story time!

okay. so yesterday i took my lunch as usual around 1pm. i figured i'd grab something quick at micky Dz because i had some errands to run and didn't have much time to eat.

i walk into micky Dz and was thinking double quarter pounder meal all the way. THEN i saw a sign for 39 cent Hamburgers and 49 cent Cheeseburgers. I thought to myself, hotness, if i stock up now, i can eat them for breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack. (yeah, i'm grossly unhealthy, that comes with the territory when ur cheap like me)

i pull out my wallet while i'm on line and then i simply FREAK. dood, it's not my wallet. it's pecker's. crapola. maybe it god switched last night. i check his wallet for cash, figuring i can pay him back later but all he has are random scraps of paper! then i eye the american express card and lasalle debit card.

BANK BABY! thank the lordy for mcdonald's speed pass where you can just swipe the card without having to sign or verify anything.

so when it's time for me to order i'm all confident

me: yeah, lemme get a double quarter lber meal, supersized.

employee: will that be all sir?

me: o yeah, can i get 10 cheeseburgers (i was actually think about possibly getting 20)

employee gives me a nod and a slight smirk: sure thing man. that'll be $10.37.

so i swipe pecker's card and i go off dreamin bout processed meats and chesses and how good those fries are gonna taste. then the guy wakes me back into reality and tells me the card has been declined. first thought that popped into my mind is: aiyah, maybe he thought his wallet was stolen so he called in to cancel his card....

NAW... no way, pecker's not that responsible.

then i try his debit card, and...

It's DECLINED AS WELL. the guy just stares at me while the order is ready to go.

then something funny strange happened. I started developing a strange animosity towards pecker for declining his cards. i grabbed my cell and tried calling him to yell at him. he picked up and was like, yeah, none of the cards work. i have a piece of paper in their with a card # and exp date. try that.

ghetto. the cashier was just like...ehhhh...we need the actual physical card.

so i leave micky Dz feelin truly embarrassed. and for some reason, I STILL BLAMED PECKER IN MY MIND. haha.

i sat down in my car ready to leave, realizing i would have no lunch today when i saw digi's change on the car floor. i was like, oooh maybe i can get something with this. and digi turned out to have exactly 90 cent total.

i was like damn! i can only get 1 cheese burger for 49 cents. 1 cheeseburger isn't going to fill me up. BUT THEN i realized, IF I GET 2 HAMBURGERS AND FOREGO THE CHEESE, I'LL BE SITTING PRETTY.

so i walk back up to the same cashier i slam down 10 dimes and 1 nickle and order my two hamburgers. i am hardcore.

2004-01-21T22:57:00.000-06:00

i feel like i'm in a state of depression or something.

i don't like it when my sister cries.

2004-01-19T18:49:00.000-06:00

god.
it plays again in my mind over...and over.. again.
shoulda...woulda...coulda...
i can't stop thinking about it.

2004-01-05T14:18:00.000-06:00

wow. haven't touched this blogger in a long long time...

so..last night..i had this awful feeling again. this feeling that i've felt once or twice before.
this terrible feeling that, perhaps i had lost something special. something that, if i had the courage to go through with a long time ago, perhaps i wouldn't be in this position right now.
but i wussed out and became one of those fickle people i always hate. and now, all i'm left with is a bag of "what ifs?" and a simple regret.

2003-08-12T22:08:00.000-05:00

I THINK...

...i'm a terribly confused boy.

a few days ago i was sittin a car with em and grace, cruisin around the city with nothing to do. i mentioned to them that it was weird hearing them talk about sex so much cause i'm not use to it. well, to be more exact, now that i think about it more, i'm really not use to hearing girls talk about sex so openly.

either way. i got the feeling grace and em thought i was a big prude, cause they kept egging me saying things like:"do we make you uncomfortable?" blah blah, yadi yadi yadi... and i thought outloud and said:

am i the only virgin among all of us?

and well, yeah, excluding elmo, yes. yeppity doo da rah?.

and they started comforting things like: "it's ok dave, we don't think any less of you."

THINK ANY LESS OF ME?

holy crap. for a few minutes i was actually trying to prove to them how dirty, scandalous, horny, perverted, i really am and how i'm..well...just like them. hah!

then i realized. wtf am i thinking. why is it bad that i'm a virgin? why are they trying to console me? why am i trying to prove them wrong?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

anyway, i realized what bugged me from the conversation. i think ever since i started going to college 3 years ago, sex has become an open topic discussed regularly. and of my friends in college, my closest friends are bros. and well, they're guys, and we talk sex all the time. ok, not all the time, we take breaks to punching each other in the balls from time to time.

so yeah, and all my closest girl friends are..well...christian, and from my fellowship. and so i'm not use to close female friends of mine talking about sex. and since this is the first time in almost 3 yrs i'm back chilling in nyc with old friends, it's weird how things have changed.

all i gotta say is:

bring on the sex talk. and yes, all my female friends are dirty skanks.

jp.

2003-08-03T09:25:00.000-05:00

i've seen it.

seriously. i've saw a glimpse of what i've always wanted.
saw a glimpse of something that felt so right.
a glimpse of that glorious dream.

but there are no free deals in life.
be wary of things that are too good to be true.

so you stop yourself. arrest the motion.

take a step back and see it for what it really is.

and in a zap. flash. bittersweet nanosecond.

it's gone.

because you know it's not real. it's just the same ole game just with a slightly different set up.

and boy, you are sure as hell finished with playing games.

2003-07-28T00:12:00.000-05:00

i just got back from my trip to maine with my sis and mom...

surpise surprise my dad didn't decide to go eh? he's a workaholic and too practical to goto maine with us for a whole weekend to go hiking in Arcadia.

one thing i did take away from this weekend was a sense of pride in my family. in those 3 days with my mom and sis i felt like i was sitting around an eternal campfire that was my mother. and what else goes on during campfires but lots of storytelling. she told me the beginnings of their struggle. the green card. the money problems. the car problems. the fights. the things that made her want to quit and go back to taiwan.

i know this sounds like such a random sporadic thought, but i feel like i want to write down these stories. i feel like these stories shouldn't die. i feel like it's a story i would like to tell one day. the sad part is, i think their story is unique, but their struggle is not. plenty have struggled. immigrants i'm talking about. and my parents can look back to it now and not have to be sad, or regretful because they have achieved. achieved the life they had only dreamed about and has now given their two children.

i am so grateful. and i want to start writing these stories whenever i feel like i need to.

2003-07-24T21:15:00.000-05:00

I CAN SPEAK GYPSY!

yo. so this is why i miss home.

today i'm sittin on the train riding back from uptown after meeting up with ebyun. i got one of them corner seats near where the conductor is, you know, the double seater. this guy sits down next to me. the whole ride, he says nuttin to me. nuttin. nada.

zippo.

finally we get into brooklyn after crossing the bridge and he starts talkin to me. he offers to buy my cell offa me for 150 bucks. i ask why. he says he's got bad credit. i say ask a friend to help you. he says none of his friends trust him. i question whether he can really call them friends then. lo and behold, one of his friends is sitting across from us and goes:

yeah, he's a piece of $hit. don't listen to him. he still owes me 50 bucks.

he keeps trying to buy my cell from me and i'm like hell no. he then asks if i want to buy his 91' chevy from him. runs perfect he says. his friend goes:

don't listen to him. that car sucks d!ck. it's worthless.

this was getting fun so we start conversatin. he says he likes me. he asks if i have a girlfriend. i say no. he asks do i want one. im like what? he says he'll get me a woman. real cheap. 40 bucks tops.

he then offers his female friend to me. says no questions asked. she's been sitting there the whole time and i didn't even notice. she's like: shutup.

finally i hear them talking in a diff language so i ask them what lang they speaking. he says gypsy. i thought that was cool. i teach them a lil chinese, they start teaching me gypsy. and i guess i'm good at pronouncing it cuz they kept making me say these gypsy phrases and kept getting a kick out of it.

all i wanted to know was how to say hi and bye. but one guy told me how to say one thing to his friend, and then his friend would teach me how to say something new to the guy. i think they made me curse in gypsy back and forth.

who cares. i thought this was freaKiN hilarious. these guys were saying all this stuff and tried convincing me of this and that. saying he needed the cell because all his women need to call him. he's like, what do you think of me? i'm like:

i think ur full of $hit.

hahaha. he got so mad but his friend cracked up. then i said the same thing to the friend. then they both stared at me. that was the one scary part of this whole situation.

so near the end of my ride he tried giving me that girl. she tells me they're dumbasses. that in gypsy, the women are the pimps, and these two losers were the wh0res. she then offered to give me a psychic reading. !!!!!! Hah!!!!

it was funny listening to them argue. so he tries giving me that gypsy girl. i was like, nah it's ok.

THEN the girl starts joining in. going: what?? you don't like me? are you saying i'm ugly? look at my breasts damnit! LOOK AT THEM!

as the train pulled up to my kingsway station, look i did, and thought to myself, damn, those are huge. and walked out.

"have a good one" i said.

and i was gone.

2003-07-22T00:07:00.000-05:00

god.

i feel like i had an opportunity.
a once in a life time chance.
a connection.
something special.
and i let distance get in the way.

i'm praying that i get another redeeming shot at what seems lost now.

where are you?

2003-06-24T10:24:00.000-05:00

emotions.

i just realized how ephemeral in nature they are.
i was feeling one way just now and just reading one of my friends entries brought over me a flood of emotions.
it's safe to say the flood of emotions were very different from my initial "feeling."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

One idea that won't escape my head from cedar campus was something one of our IV staff workers said in our gospel outline session:

"when you look at the life of Jesus, you can't help falling in love with Him."

God. isn't it so very true.

Then right now, in the midst of my emotion changing random thought process ways I started to remember this passage I loved in The Fountainhead. When I go back home maybe I'll try typing it up but basically it was this whole shpeel the characters are making about Howard Roark, the main character of the book. To it's core, it talked about Roark's immortality, and how that was defined by his inability to change (or from another interesting spin, this is his actual ability). Roark knows what he wants, and refuses to change. He is not like a chameleon, adapting to its enviornment.

No, he does not stray from the path he has set out before him. The enviornment can change all it wants, times gets rough, but he never changes his strategy when it comes to his beliefs, his morals. And that is where his immortality lays. He has immortalized his life in that way.

Forever. Eternal.

And when you read The Fountainhead, you can't help falling in love with Roark. You can't help pushing for him to succeed or begging him in his mind to just succumb to the world. Yet he never compromises. Not even a little, not just for a little bit until times get better. Nope.

And so doing a little free association of mine, when I think of immortal, I think of God. Jesus. Holy Spirit. (ok fine, maybe not that last one)

And I think of why someone would fall in love with the character of Jesus. And essentially it's the same thing.
Jesus lived an amazing life. In the bible it's very clear the character of Jesus. Though it's a testimony of a bunch of people, his character never contradicts. eople who read the bible a lot can get a deeper understanding of who Jesus is.

So one book is written by Ayn Rand the atheist. The mysticism lover.
And another book is written by committee over a span of many years, sometimes considered a historical text, with no contradictions.

Interesting huh?

2003-06-22T00:23:00.000-05:00

Just a quick word before I fall asleep...

I just came back from Cedar campus retreat and I have this ridiculous tan line. No, not a farmers tan on my arms but one on my feet. I spent so much time in the sun playing basketball that the contrast is so fierce it looks like I painted my skin. I also have a ridiculous amount of bug bites where mosquitoes are not suppose to be biting like my knuckles, inbetween my fingers, and on my right cheek bone. What kinda retarded bugs in the upper penninsula of Michigan bites in those areas?! Those parts aren't yummy at all!!

My parents are gonna have a cow. I remember last time I came back from cancun and looked like i was burnt crisp. That's how I look right now.
On top of that, I had 19 voice Mail messages, 18 of which were from my mom cause I had no service in Michigan. The rents thought I was dead or something. ugh.

I'm excited to go home in a few days but we'll see. My emotions are so fickle.
Once I'm in once place I usually wish I was in another.

2003-06-11T12:15:00.000-05:00

This should no longer be known as brain farts.
It should be called post-teen angst or something.

So, finals week. The cycle repeats.
"Oh God, it's so easy. If I only studied this hard during the school year, I wouldn't be screwed for this final."
yadi yadi yadi. blah blah blah.
whatevers.

I think even if I was given all the time in the world, I will never be ready.

I'm so immature.

----------------------------------------------

I think everyone has wanted to smack me one time or another these past few days.
When I'm all drugged up on them NoDoz caffeine pills, I think I become retarted.
Well, more retarded than I normally am that is.

I felt like I just smoked a blunt and was high as a mofo.
Everything was just so funny.
It's like 1:15am, freshmen year with Tyson in Panda's room in Lindgren all over again.
Cept these past couple of days its been 1:15am all day, all the time.

1:15, everyday that's my word.
Missin those days.

On a random note, I saw Sleepless in Seattle the other day.
God I'm sucha sucker for sappy movies.
I'm a romantic damnit.
It ain't like girls who are just in love with drama.
I watch it cause I like watchin love in motion.
Not "Can you believe she just said that? etc..."
None of that BS.

Ever since I saw the season finale to Dawson's Creek, I can't stand watchin any of the earlier episodes.
OK, I admit that shiz, I liked Dawson's Creek when it first came out.
I'm sorry, the idea of the soulmate crap just appealed to me.
Plus, when you'r currently crushing on some girl, and you can relate to the premise of the show, that's a pretty damn powerful combo.
So yeah, the producers of the WB got real lucky with me.
The only other WB show I have ever followed for more than one season is Smallville and that's only cause it combines comic books with Kristin Kreuk.
say word.

---------------------------------------------

Pray for me.
2 more finals.
double header tomorrow.

2003-06-05T18:27:00.000-05:00

Dave's Basketball Diaries:

Today this white bitch decides to interrupt our basketball game.

Me, Tyson, Bammz, and Chimz. We were playin a really lax game. It was really hot out so even though it was a 2 on 2, nobody was playin for real. We barely kept track of scores. Then she walked onto the court. I saw it coming as chimz checked me the ball. Her in her ugly olive baby tee. This foo just walks up onto the court and starts to guard me with a big ole grin on her face. I'm like: uh...yes? (I ask incredulously). She's says she wants to play too. She says we can play THREE on TWO. Normally, I don't care. Especially when if it's a girl. And especially if she's young. Good for her she's a she. But she is definately not young. Definately a college student. A bold one at that.

What ran through my mind at that moment was: Hrm, I can be nice and let her play and show her asians are nice and can be fun.

Yes. That's it.

But then I thought: Wait. Everyone already knows asians are nice. Actually, the only fucking reason she decides to walk onto this court is because we are asians . Would she walk onto a court full of thugged out Hoks? (sorry, Hoks= black people). Would she walk onto a court full of white guys having a serious game?

I can't answer those. It would sound something like: No, and Maybe. (leaning towards No)

No. The reason she walked onto our court is cause we're asian and she thinks we're just gonna take it up the ass from her. PLEASE.
Don't disrespect ME. Don't walk onto MY court. During MY game. I don't give a shit if MY game wasn't serious. If we was just playin.
It's MINE. Don't disrespect ME.

For girls it might be hard to understand. They might read this and go: Dave, chill kid. She was just trying to be friendly. She didn't know any better.

You don't understand. You don't walk onto another man's court. Let me ask you: Would you ever do that? Probably not right?

So my response to her was: Go find another person and we'll play THREEs. But I ain't down with that THREE on TWO bs. This girl would not quit though, she kept goin at it. Dribbling my ball and shooting it.

Finally I was like: Do you know how rude it is to walk on in the middle of our game?
She said: Geez, I didn't know you guys would be so uptight.
I replied: Sorry, we're not as loose as you.

--------------------------------------------------------------

SO WHAT?
So what if she was honestly being a dumbarse?
Don't worry, there are plenty of nice, considerate, pushover, asian guys for her to meet in her lifetime. Trust me.
So I decided to stand up against one stupid girl.
I don't think I've given asian people a bad name.
I could have either perpetuated the stereotype, or squashed it.

You know me,
I'm all for breaking stereotypes.

2003-06-04T02:54:00.000-05:00

i have a problem.
an addiction if you will.

for some reason i am obsessed with doing community building things for the asian american community.
even after getting out of KASA, it was so hard to step away.
at mr. pan asia i had to fight the urge to help out.
other people, when their event fails or succeeds, they take it on themselves.
for some reason, i take part in that joy or sadness even when have no ownership over the event.
why do i take this burden on myself? i don't know.
maybe grace was right. maybe this is just to hide some kind of short coming of myself.
that i have to resort to solving other peoples problems other than my own cause it's simply easier.
why take on the burden of another individual, another community, when you can barely keep track of ur own wrecked life?

today we had a president's round table meeting today with all the clubs and i got so excited sharing my ideas.
i got more confident as the meeting progressed since people were responding well.
and i'm scared.
to.
death.
i'm scared to death i'll want to take a bigger part in whatever asian advisory board they setup.
i'm scared to death i'll want to spear head the involvement of other clubs.
i'm scared to death i'll fall in love with the new AAAB and want to take some role in continuing their efforts even though i'm not on board.

it makes me almost regretful at times.
i wish i was an incoming frosh...good times are comin ahead.
i wish dimple patel, our current asian advisor was in place my frosh yr.
and i wish we could have created this community fostering collaboration that we we desperately trying to have continue into next yr.
kinda sad i'm going to have to leave so soon after it's only "just begun".

i'm excited to see what will happen 5 years from now. there is so much potential.

see what's wrong with my life? i'm excited about shit like this when i should be worrying about finishing my finals and ending the year strong.

blah.

2003-06-03T01:55:00.000-05:00

so katie said she read my blogger (wow) and felt it was too depressing.
well i'm sorry, if i'm happy, i'm happy.
when i'm sad, i like to whine, bitch, complain, etc...
i know venting should encompass good and bad things but the word"venting" completely has a negative connotation in my head.

i watched 25th hour today. i really like spike lee movies. it's so risque (i never used this word before but it sounds right word?).
every single movie this guy directs seems to always be about nyc or brooklyn. NICE.

in this movie he pretty much ran through a whole lotta stereotypes. i could identify with all of them. scary huh?
i especially love the BENSONHURST one. john palmeiro, and joey leston. i was thinkin about you fooz =D.

-----------------------------------------------------------
today i didn't realize how intensive doing focus team is going to end up being. i'm kind of scared at the prospect of being prez of LphiE and focus team.
i care about both so much but i'm just awaiting that inevitable day they both conflict with each other. the day of judgement. the day i judge/decide which is important to me.
i refuse to put myself in that situation.

you know, i feel extreme pressure at times. people keep telling me that i was placed on focus team because of my creative abilities.
HAH!
where did they get that from?
i don't feel creative at all, yet i'm trying to live up to my billing, or else i feel like i'm one of them false advertisements. fake. useless.

i realize i tend to dominate small group settings when there is not another dominating "male" figure and therefore i'm brimming with confidence.
when there is another outgoing guy, i tend to kinda creep back into shy-jhs-david mode.
as much as people think i'm outgoing, i'm more shy than you can ever imagine.
you think i'm wrong?
i guess you don't know me.

2003-05-28T01:37:00.000-05:00

"One day you'll ask me what's more important, my life or yours. I'll answer mine, and you'll walk away, not knowing that you are my life."
-------------------------------------------------------
to be brutually honest? i'm unhappy.
uncertainty makes me fidgety.
hesitation leads to anxiety leads to...
leads to what?
i guess what i'm trying to say is sometimes i feel like life is passing me by, and i'm not sure what to do.
how do u pause life.
how do u slow mo it.
the real question is, if you could slow it down, or even stop it completely...
...would it really make a difference?

i talked to chris today and out of nowhere i told her: i feel like i'm goin through another one of them mid-life crisis.

it's kinda like, people say don't live life with regrets.
what if you can't?
what if you were given the opportunity to do it all over again?
some people would say, no, everything up until now has been a learning experience, i wouldn't change it.

what if i said i would accept in a heartbeat?

but you know, people always take it the wrong way this "do it all over again biz."
some memories were so memorable you'd do anything to experience it again.
some things you wouldn't ever wanna live through again.
so when i say to someone: i wish i could do it all over again, it doesn't mean i'd change everything.
just the crap that made my life SUCK!
haha. comprende?

i worry a lot these days. chris said i was different from when i was first on this campus. i asked how so.
she said: "you were more goofy, now you always seem to think too much, like you have a lot on your mind."

well chris, i'm still a goofball, and i've always had things on my mind.
i guess perhaps i let out one side more than the other but essentially it's still there.
it's up to me how i want to come off as.

i miss my friends.

2003-05-20T04:44:00.000-05:00

once again, i'm tired.

mondays seem to go on forever.

shoulda been studying but i ended up watching the spurs-mavs game. remind me to never do that again. it just ain't worth it.

studied with minji till 4 @ kellogg. i regret some of the things i said to her that night. my mind was so caffeinated with no doz and jolt yet exhausted that i don't think i was expressing myself clearly.

it's weird because i feel like we're so similar. yet i have no answers for myself, and thus i have no answers for her.

when i see her, i'm almost sad. but i know that's the last thing she wants. nobody wants pity.
actually, some people love that shiz. they love the attention.
but i know my lil is stronger than that. doesn't need that bs.
keep it real.

everyone is searchin for something. e-v-e-r-y one.

i hope i find it. and i hope you do too.

2003-05-19T04:05:00.000-05:00

after cooking chicken soup with SHITAKE mushrooms for my sick mui mui rebecca, and watching 10 minutes of the ever-engrossing reality show the bachelor finale, i was whisked away to go watch Matrix Reloaded for the 2nd time in as many days. It was our 6th yr anniversary and so we had a brotherhood BBQ and went to go watch matrix together.

watching that movie makes my brain hurt. you have no idea how many discussion boards I've read and how many arguments I've had with people about it. Can't wait till november. Afterwards I was suppose to go study with minji but i was lunchin like a mofo and decided to go sam suh gap sam (however you spell that 24/7 korean restaurant). got yukgaejang but i was dreamin bout soontofu jigae. wanted sum meat ya know? but yeah...i ended up in this crazy conversation with panda, bammz, bo name dot com, tyson, and digi. We started talking about the matrix which eventually led to topics about christianity and buddahism, and eventually it was me and bo and bamm. bamm is agnostic, while bo just has a lot of questions. I wish I was better equipped to answer them but I'm glad we were able to discuss christianity and i was able to share a little about my faith.

i don't feel like writing anymore than just that. i'm tired. snore.

2003-05-12T01:55:00.000-05:00

"In the depth of winter, I discovered there lay within me an invincible summer."

shine baby shine.

2003-05-11T16:01:00.000-05:00

You know what's extremely silly?

When you work so hard and believe in something so much, you'd do anything to attain it. I mean, something you thought you really wanted. Something you thought you really needed.

And when you finally "see the light" you feel so foolish. You think to yourself: "Good lawd. Why did I ever feel so strongly about this?"

stupid.

BULLSHIT.

This year I've learned a lot. The year isn't over yet so I guess I'ma continue learning more.

One thing I've decided is that:

I refuse to let other people affect my relationship with God.

so, f u.

you can't deal with this right now?

i can't deal with this EVER.

goodbye.

2003-05-09T18:56:00.000-05:00

what happens when your best isn't good enough?

2003-05-04T16:19:00.000-05:00

nothing really interesting to write about. saw dan ro before he went back to stanford.
same ole dan. funny kid.

i'm worried about next week. midterms baby. kasa show!

today's service? kinda disappointed me again.

pastor kang is a funny guy. no doubt. but i remember in HS...i use to hate going to korean churches because...
the pastors use to LOVE telling jokes. pointless jokes that were not god-related but were very humorous.
to me, their job is not to act like stand up comedians, and be an entertainer. their job is preach the word of God.

maybe pastor kang was always like this. or maybe i just never noticed it until now. but lately...his sermons have been bugging me.
either the stuff he says seems really contradictory, or
is too literal, saying stuff i already know, or
serves no purpose.
bottom line, i feel like i'm no longer growing listening to his sermons. not sure if it's my mentality or what.

QuitMeter Counter courtesy of www.quitmeter.com.

no turnin back. i got God on my side.

2003-05-01T02:04:00.000-05:00

sO...

as it was thunderstorming today, i thought to myself:

"wow. i really like thunderstorms."

it sucks being stuck out there in the pouring rain..but as you listen to the sky rumble..
and the rain fallin..
it's just nice to know ur inside.

which brings me to another memory, of how i love walking in light rain.

rain and people interact very strangely. most people will do whatever it takes to..

stay dry.

but there is this "activation energy" you can say.
in chemistry, activation energy is this minimum energy needed to allow a reaction to run it's course.
don't reach the minimum? the reaction does not occur.
surpass the minimum by great bounds and lengths? nope, doesn't create a greater reaction, it'll create the same reaction as if you had just enough energy to start it.

so anyway, back to my point.

rain and people... u do ur best to stay dry...but if u get wet enough (no sexual understones u dirty fooz),
you really give up trying to stay dry, and instead, embrace the rain.
or maybe i'm weird.
i remember a few times when i would just walk in the rain...no umbrella..just walkin...it felt so good.

but obviously it sucks when it's pourin..i'm talkin about that summer rain. that nice refreshing, un--muggy rain that lifts your spirits, and doesn't smell like warm water.

i haven't experienced that in a long time.

and maybe i won't ever again.

things always seems different in retrospect. maybe it really did suck and i'm just imagining/remembering it differently.

wouldn't that be a trip?

2003-04-30T20:58:00.000-05:00

rude awakening by my sis.

why you always look so sad?

2003-04-30T05:00:00.000-05:00

it's about 1 and a half weeks now. it's gettin hard. especially in the middle of midterms.

but i know i won't ever put another stog to my lips again.

well, now i'm stuck lookin for a date for formal. i couldn't get off the waitlist for noelle.

sadness.

today i went to kellogg at 2am and left 2 hours later without going past the first page.
i seriously can not study with panda and tyson. them together, all we do is laugh and joke.
which is good and all cuz it makes dave happy when we play together all nice and what not.
but makes dave sad when he starts failing exams because he can't remember that table of formulas the night before
but he sure as hell remembers the stupid stuff that he and two other idiot bros did the night before.

ah brudderz. how i love thee.

I WILL KILL YOU AND YOUR PEOPLES.

yes i'm talkin to u spaniard.

last day for financial aid tomorrow. gotta make sure i remember cuz i neeeed the moneeeey.

2003-04-27T15:28:00.000-05:00

went to new community church today.

it was weird. i had no intentions of switching churches. i'm still not sure if i am. however, while i was sittin there, i began to entertain ideas and scenarios and reasons for changing churches.

then, out of nowhere, pastor Peter said something that i feel like it was sent from heaven. lately, i've been feelin out of place. like i don't belong anywhere. and he started to share a story about him and his younger brother who felt like he was never apart of the family. that he felt he never belonged. then he said he hoped people who came to NCC would be the people in this world who felt like they never belonged, and finally find a home in NNC.

after that i was like...woah. and the guest speaker, though i slept through most of it, mentioned addictions a few times which is something i haven't heard a pastor speak about in a loooong time. and it seemed like it could have applied to me, if i paid attention more. xP

anyway. agreed to be on Focus Team next year. It's gonna be a trip.

called up jackie today. had a good talk. one of them, good-lord-my-head-hurts-now-from-all-that-thinking convos. that's the 2nd sunday in a row. let's not make it a habit rah?

one week and counting. praise God.

2003-04-26T22:29:00.000-05:00

i refuse to be a tool.

yet i am one.

ah...the ironies in life.

---------------------------------

i am fiending so bad for a stog right now. i feel like i'm breakin down. i wasted today doin nuttin but watchin movies.

i NEED to study.

i'll nap...study...wake up for church...study...step...study...meeting...study.

sounds like a plan.

2003-04-25T00:33:00.000-05:00

These drops of rain. Your cleansing rain.
Sometimes they feel like acid rain. Tearing away at my flesh, seeping into my bones.
And it's just so. hard.

sometimes.

But Lord, I welcome it. Break me down, rip away the exterior of me.
Forget the image, the physical appearances, the things that will eventually lose the inevitable battle with time, and fade away into dust.
Let it hurt, if this is what it's going to take.
Break me down and build me up again.

When everything else is gone, the heart remains.

You can't fake the heart. You can put up make-up to cover the scars, and front a personality to those you seek attention.
But the heart you can't fake. You either care or you don't. And Lord you accept that.

You accept all of me, all that I am, all that I will become. And that's Grace.

Open up the skies of mercy, rain down the cleansing flood.
Healing waters rise around us, hear our cries, Lord, let'm rise.

i don't know what happened with me today at TNP. i almost ended up just ballin.
i refuse to fall into the emotion of the atmosphere.
jeanie taught me to be happy when i sing His praises.
but today...i couldn't help myself.
hope no one saw.
blah.

2003-04-24T03:39:00.000-05:00

god. everything is just goin wrong today.

just realized i lost my crown royale bag of my stapler, $4 drafting mechnical pencil, and my cool eraser.

please tell me what i did to deserve this.

2003-04-24T03:21:00.000-05:00

another day.

4 days | and hopin.

was so tired i left core around 2 cause i couldn't take it anymore.

had the longest convo with li chung outside emerson.
it was weird, he reminded me of ben rah, someone i knew back in HS.
i like that kid.

talked about a lot of stuff. i don't know why i was so open with him, almost felt like i was giving him my testimony.

ah well, sleep 4 hrs now, wake up and finish prob set.

sounds like a plan nukka.

2003-04-23T02:31:00.000-05:00

one day at a time baby.

3 days | and counting.

i have the desire.

2003-04-21T22:43:00.000-05:00

forget the others. it's just me and you now God. we're gonna do this together.

at home in one world, completely alone in another. lost between worlds.

talked to my girl jackie on the phone the other day. god i love hearin her voice. she's gonna do mighty fine if she does that news-talk-radio thang.
had a long convo.
everytime we talk i feel like one of us always almost ends up in tears.
hah.

i'm out on a mission. i refuse to be hurt cause i got God on my side.
i want this so bad.

please.

2003-04-18T04:45:00.000-05:00

oh yeah. i finally got someone other than that michelle won's blogger linked to this ghetto ass page.

sweetness. i caught one of them byuns.

-----------------------------------------------------------

today was rough. came back from studyin 6:30 in the morning, chit chatted with crispyha for a lil bit and went to sleep.
tried to sleep for only 2 hours so i could do some more work before my discussion session but i tapped that snooze button's ass like no other.
i actually got afraid since i snoozed for almost an hour and didn't want the snooze to die on me, which it does sometimes if you snooze for too long.
so in my attempt to reset my alarm, i accidently reset the TIME. good lord, for the longest time i thought it was 1:30pm when it was really 11am.

zaniness.

sleep walked to the rock to pass out bags of rice and pamphlets on hunger awareness. ate an orange @ norris and sat as my stomach turned inside out.
too much caffeine don't mix well with my gentle tummy.

i think i needed some beer. jp.

lately, i've been paying attention to how i've been actin and i think i'm too silly sometimes. if i was someone else, i'd think i was either high half the time, or really.

really.

strange.

f u. if you can't handle this, go suck it.

-------------------------------------------------------

i really love jumee's small group. it's a place of such good discussion. i feel bad for jackie, since she said she needed my male presense last year for the youngins and i ditched like like a really deep hole (sorry that was bad but it's 4am!).

but yeah, went to TNP later that night after step practice and got to pray with katie, ray, and lucy. it was nice to pray with someone other than people in ur sm grp and/or church for a change.

sorry, just a rambling entry. am i really sorry? naw. this is what this is for. for me to whine nukka. lick it up!

2003-04-15T02:07:00.000-05:00

81 degrees in the midwest.
today was simply amazing.
played 21 for hours in front of plex.
i don't think i've completed a game of 21 in ages.

it's funny how the weather affects your mood.

spring formal 2003. i'm excited about plannin this ish.